Goodbye 2014

*** I started on this post as early as Christmas Eve, but I didn't publish it because I didn't know how to end it. And it's New Year's Eve and I still don't now how to end my post. Everything just seems so uncertain for me right now, y'know? It's a mess and I'm still trying to figure out how to clear it. So... yeah pardon me if my post seems like it's all over the place, just like my thoughts are.

Every year before New Year I'll blog about the things and people I'm thankful for, and what I've learnt from the past events that have happened. It's a good form of reflection I guess, and also to say that it's the end and thus I should look forward to the future. Like they always say, "New year, new me". But I beg to differ really, whatever happens to all of us, all our past experiences and everything we have felt in our lives make us who we are today and we shouldn't forget that. The good as well as the bad.

Let's begin my 2014 story.

University

Definitely one of the biggest milestones in my life. Got into NUS Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences! Never thought that I'd be able to get into university (much less NUS) but here I am! Really proud of myself that I was able to make it this far :-) Got through semester 1 and I'm super thankful to say that I'm one step closer to majoring in psychology! Left with one more module next semester :-) :-)

I wouldn't say I made a lot of friends in NUS, to be honest it was quite a roller coaster ride but I'm past that stage of caring I think. I believe that I shouldn't give a fuck about people who don't give a fuck about me. And I've learnt that it's okay to not have someone to eat with during breaks or whatsoever, that it's okay to be alone once in a while. I'm not someone who enjoys spending time alone but I have dealt with it often enough so I've gotten pretty used to it. I guess I'm growing up? But of course there are friends I'm really thankful for in uni, such as...

My lovely NUSVB team :-)

I am so thankful I decided to join. Even though I joined later than the rest of the year 1s, not once did they ever let me feel left out. I am super grateful and thankful to have them as my teammates. Feels like PHS all over again. IVP is in less than a month and I cannot wait.

Tien

Got into the same school and faculty as this bitch right here and I cannot be more than thankful. Although we don't see each other everyday because she's busy as fuck, we still see each other during trainings and all. Thank you for everything you've done for me, cabbing down early in the morning when I called and needed you, passing me tissues when I break down in tears, and always telling me that things will definitely get better. You have seen me in my worst times and have supported me greatly. I hope you know that I'll do the same for you. Love you my dear.

As for studies, university is quite stressful I guess, everyone seems to be fucking competitive and the library is always full with people studying as though their lives are depending on it. And as for people like me who don't give a fuck until the last minute... It's quite bad for the heart because I'll usually start panicking before the exams. My cap is quite pathetic at the moment HAHAHA but I'm not surprised given the effort I put (or rather, didn't) in. I believe that results aren't always everything, yes they are important but it doesn't mean that you should neglect other things because of it.

Yep that concludes my university life so far. Hopefully it will get better as time goes by and as I make more friends along the way :-)

Breaking up

... Where do I even begin? I was so in love with this boy. We were together for two whole solid years (and more), seeing each other almost everyday because we were in the same class and everything. He was  my pillar of strength and support in school, tiding me through A Levels, without him I probably wouldn't even be able to get to where I am now. He was my only friend and confidante, as I had the tendency of putting him first before all my friends. We went through a lot I would say, because of our different viewpoints we had many conflicts. But despite all our quarrels and differing opinions, I loved him. And I'm sure he did too. He was nothing short of wonderful, he was always giving in to my demands, no matter how atrocious they were, and was patient and understanding about it. He gave me second chances when I deserved none of it. But best of all, he made me happy. I honestly feel that he was too good for me.

Why did we break up? To be honest now that I think about it I'm not really sure. We were just so unhappy at that time. Both of us were tired giving in to each other because we were so different, And we both knew that deep down we couldn't really change for each other, not really. It's like asking us to be a completely different person altogether, and I guess we both couldn't do that. He craved freedom, I craved companionship. He craved success, I craved stability. It was difficult to understand why we would want the other. And our relationship was kinda unhealthy, both of us didn't have close friends we could rely on so we only relied on each other. Which explains why I felt so lonely after the break up, because I felt like I had lost everything.

After breaking up with him I became a completely different person, everyone around me said I changed. I started drinking and clubbing, not because I found it fun but to forget. I did things that I'm definitely not proud of, and it made me feel weak and pathetic and there was so much self-loathing. I felt like I was never going to be okay, every day I wake up with no motivation whatsoever. Just watch and listen to Habits by Tove Lo, it's the most accurate description of how I felt. I felt lonely and desperate, so I attempted to form friendships with strangers (yes I'm talking about tinder) hoping they'll become close friends, but I realized after a while that I was so damned wrong to even think that it was possible.

I don't know when but I eventually snapped out of it. I decided to stop crying every fucking day and let my thoughts kill me. I spent more time with friends who actually mattered to me, I stopped stalking him on Twitter and Instagram, I stopped wishing that one day we would find our way back together. I decided it was time to move the fuck on. He was important to me, still is, but I won't let him be the reason for my emotions anymore. It's tiring, it's painful, and most importantly, it gets you nowhere.

I've learnt that it's okay to be lost, it's okay to have moments of weaknesses, it's okay to cry, but eventually you gotta snap out of it. There are so many other fucking things to be thankful for, like your family and friends. Do things that make you happy, and I promise you things will get a lot easier. Slowly but surely, you'll find yourself again. At least this is what I tell myself everyday. I'm still in the process of moving on, and to be completely honest I don't know if I ever will move on completely. But it doesn't hurt as much as it used to.

Things will be fine.

Friends

A lot of shit has happened this year, and I'm just so grateful to have people around me who make it all better. Thank you, Elaine, Ade, Tien, and Pingpong for always being there. Even though we only meet up like once a month or even less, nothing has changed and I can still be myself around you guys. They say secondary school friends are forever, and indeed they are. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life together with them, watching every single one of them grow up, get married, have kids, and watch our kids play together (am I thinking too far ahead HAHA). You guys are the only constant in my life and I'm so thankful for each and every one of you :-)

AJVB girls

Really thankful for these bunch of wild girls too :-) We really need to meet up soon it's been too long.

Elaine

The bff. I know I have taken you for granted many times, I've kicked you aside when I have a boyfriend or other plans, I've lied to you about some things and betrayed your trust. Despite everything I've done, you were always there for me. And I cannot tell you how grateful I am for that. I know that I am a terrible friend, and an even worse best friend, so thank you for sticking by me despite it all. I love you.

Change

I wanted to write about how much I've changed in this past year and whatnot but I'm not really in the mood to be all reflective and shit right now so I guess I'm going to leave it at that. I just hope that 2015 will be better because 2014 has been a really fucked up year, if not the worst. SO, PLEASE BE BETTER thanks

"I'm the hero of this story
I don't need to be saved"