Just a thought

* Not trying to advocate being skinny or gain reassurances/compliments, I just kinda felt like speaking my mind about it cos it's been haunting me for a while now. This is a sensitive issue and you may not agree with me, but I'd like to state my opinions on it anyway :-)

As a child/teenager I never really had any issues with weight or self-esteem. I always ate whatever I wanted and whenever I wanted, always laughing at friends who control what they eat. I always thought, you're only young once, just eat lah! Besides I never got fat anyway so why should I be worried?

But now that I'm 21, I don't know if my metabolism lowered or maybe it was the excessive alcohol or maybe it was because I stopped playing volleyball 3x a week or maybe it's all 3 factors, but omg did I put on weight. I mean, I'm not at the point where I'm severely overweight or obese but I think it's gotten to a point where I think about my weight everyday and how to lose it. I'm also self conscious whenever I'm out, and checking my reflection to make sure I don't appear fat. And I think this all stemmed from social media? So many girls are embodying the "perfect" image, y'know the thigh gap, well-toned abs, taking selfies in front of mirrors with captions saying "I need to get back in shape" when they're already in shape... OMG so many freaking bikini pictures!!! It's depressing to see such pictures, I'll have to admit. And there I am, constantly scrolling down my instagram and comparing myself to them and my self-esteem would plummet like crazy.

So yes, as society is getting skinner due to social media/peer pressure/expectations of what is ideal, more and more people including me are getting really upset cos our bodies are not like that. It's kinda sad, it's kinda stupid, I wish I could tell you that I don't care about my weight and that I am happy with how my body looks like but I am not. So yes, time to work out, time to detox, time to get my self-esteem back. That's what I tell myself everyday but omg it is so hard. I've always hated running, and have never ran because I wanted to in my whole life (I had to keep pushing myself and tell myself it would be worth it), gymming is annoying cos 90% of the people in gym are guys and as a very self conscious individual I just can't, food is one aspect of my life which I gain pleasure from so it's hard to keep myself from them. But no pain no gain!!! The struggle is real and I feel like I'm failing everyday. But hopefully things will change, and I will change.