Looking back

2016 began with me still in a limbo, for the most part I thought I was alright but every night I would still have trouble sleeping wondering what to do with my life and reliving mistake after mistake and wishing I could go back in time to undo the things I did and do the things I didn't do. I used to get nightmares almost every night and would wake up with a really bad feeling in my chest, sometimes in tears and now thinking about it I feel stupid for letting myself feel that way. I came to the conclusion that I needed to be able to be okay with being alone before I could be with someone else. I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't need anyone to be okay and I didn't want to be with someone when I wasn't sure of my feelings then, so I ended things with a certain someone.

It was rough for the most part and honestly it was a hard thing to do, but I did it anyway. Thankfully I joined an internship which really turned my life around. I surrounded myself with people that were just so different from me and they made me see how small and inferior I was in terms of maturity and growth. I wanted to be like them and for once thought about how to get where they are instead of feeling bad for not being like them. And I honestly don't know when but at some point I was happy, I started loving myself and I forgave myself. It's like one day you wake up and you finally feel okay with where you are in life.

I don't know how it happened, it's as though something finally clicked in my brain. I forgave myself for being that stupid 16 year old who allowed herself to be manipulated and hurt the people she cared for in the process. I forgave myself for being naive and thinking I could somehow handle everything on my own. I forgave myself for not doing the things I would've done now. I forgave myself for doing the things that I did that I would not have done now. I forgave myself for doing stupid things when I was at the lowest point in my life. I forgave myself for being the me back then, who I am not now.

I accept that not everyone wants to be in my life, regardless of everything we had. I accept that people are allowed to walk away from me when I've screwed up even though I'm sorry. I accept that even though I wouldn't do the same thing to them, they would, but it doesn't mean I have any right to be angry because I don't.

I realise that if people really want to be in your life, they will come back even regardless of whatever shit you throw at them. I realise to always fight for someone when he is important to you, but not when he doesn't feel the same way. I realise it's okay when someone decides to walk away. I realise you need to love yourself first before you can love someone else. I realise that the only way one can be happy is when you first love yourself.

Loving myself is something that I have always struggled with, and 2016 is the year where I finally learnt how to. I've grown, but I'm still growing. And I just want to thank those who stood by me through it all, and loved me when I was at my worst. It's been a rough year but it ended on a good note, and I am happier now. :-)