Elysian fields

It’s one of those nights again where I just can’t seem to fall asleep. As usual my mind is running through snippets of the past and this same familiar ache would rise in my chest. Sometimes I really wonder why I do this to myself.

Since it’s one of those nights where I can’t sleep without getting over my emotions, let’s talk about it. Ps it’s been more than a year since my last post here, guess time really flies.

How am I? Sadly, the same I guess. Don’t think I changed much over the past years. There are good days and bad days, more bad than good, still haven’t gotten around inner peace/practicing meditating yet. I really should do that or go to church or do something that will make me stay happy and positive but honestly I’m not really a believer of those kinda stuff and I believe more in placebo? So I guess it won’t work on me even if I go for such talks or sessions.

How I wish I can forget so that the pain would go away. But at the same time I find myself trying to remember and being scared that I would forget those memories. Why is the human brain wired in such a way that it’s so ironic? Or is it just mine?

But you have to believe me despite feeling all those, I’m still grateful for what I have and those who are still around me regardless of everything.

I really want to know, is it normal for someone to think back on the past so much and get sad about it? I really want to look into the future instead but somehow I just can’t imagine my future. Why do I not have a vision? Or rather why can’t I generate a vision for myself?

I don’t really understand myself. Nor the nonsense I typed above.

“There’s a place between desire and memory, some back porch we can’t neither wish for nor recall.”

I love this quote because it speaks volumes to me. Amongst our memories there are elements we desire, be it a feeling, person or a thing. But the tragic part is that we can never experience some of the desired elements again now because circumstances have changed; and that there are some elements that you completely forget and no matter how hard you try you just can’t remember. You just have a feeling that something is missing but you have no idea what is.

And as the years go by this happens more and more often, and honestly I’m scared because I don’t want to forget.