Time

I'm sorry for pushing you away when we first tried to be friends. It hurt so much being your friend. No longer could I hold you in my arms, no longer could I hold your hands, no longer could I tell you, how much I love you.

“At first you think it’s great that you’re talking to him again, but then you start talking about things that happened before, bringing back old memories, and then you realize how much you really miss him, and you get to thinking you really want him back, but you remember he doesn't need you like you need him, and it hurts.”

I wasn't okay with being just friends with you. I wanted so much more and I couldn't and it hurt. And as usual I pushed you away thinking that by doing so, it would protect me from unnecessary pain.

Now that we're not talking anymore, it doesn't only hurt.

It's fucking killing me inside.

Every single day I wake up and I get reminded of how you're no longer a part of my life anymore, because you were the only thing that motivates me to get out of bed every single day. Every single day I try not to think of you as much as I can, but sudden flashbacks pop out of nowhere: I could be reading my notes and be reminded of how we used to scribble all over each other's notes. I could be walking past a place we used to go and be reminded of what we did there. I could be doing nothing and your face just appears. Every single night I lie in bed and regret the things I did, thinking about every "what if". Every single night I resist the urge of sending you a text and calling you just to hear your voice.

Every single day, even though I try my damnedest to not think of you, I do.

And every single day, I tell myself to be strong, that I don't need you, that I have to forget you and move on with my life. And on good days, I do. But on bad days, I just let my thoughts get consumed by you and cry.

A good friend once told me that I had to feel all the pain before I could let go of it. I believe I've felt every inch of it, I've let it consumed me. Elaine told me it's all in my head, that I can control such thoughts and feelings. And I could. I've learnt to numb myself, I've learnt to "switch off".

But what good does it do when it meant breaking down after I can't hold it in anymore?

I really hate being weak, and I know there's no point in talking about it but sometimes I just need to pour it out. And after today things will return to the way it was before.

Maybe I just need more time.