I'm the kind of person who pushes people away when I need them the most, because I hate feeling weak and vulnerable and I hate feeling pitied upon. I was once in the position where I was completely helpless and all I could do was cry and I hated it, I hate not being able to defend myself I hate not being able to protect myself and my loved ones from heartache.

When a person you thought you loved threatened to commit suicide if you broke up with him what would you do? When a person you thought you loved slapped and punched you after making the decision to leave because it was unhealthy what would you?

Let me tell you what you would do. Nothing. Nothing because you cant do anything. Nothing because all you can do is to stay quiet and live with the pain that grows deeper with each passing day because that was the only way you knew how to protect yourself and your family and friends. Nothing because you're stupid and naive and foolish and the biggest idiot in the world.

I would've lived with it, I would've suffered in silence gladly but I guess I wasn't strong enough and the disappointment managed to break through the cracks. And I'm sorry for being the disappointment you guys thought I could never me and i never wanted to be but I guess I make mistakes too.

But how can I trust you when I told you all not to tell anybody but you did anyway. When you still bring it up even when I just want so badly to forget every single minute detail of it. I know you've done so much for me and I am eternally grateful but you have to understand that when I want to be alone and drown in my own thoughts I mean it, I don't want your sympathy I don't want your understanding I don't want to talk I just want to be alone.

Why is that so hard for you to understand? Why why why why why why why why why won't you just get that in your head

Alcohol isn't the solution to anything and I know that and I know I'm just using it as a means of escape but just let me be just for a little while because my heart aches every second of the day. Maybe i'm pathetic to let things ruin me to this extent and maybe all of this doesn't matter and the problem lies with me

But don't you think I know that? Don't you think that I know best what I'm feeling and doing?