Some days I'm just so tired. Every mistake I've made in my entire life just runs thru my mind one after another, reminding me of how stupid I was and how things could have been so different now if I had done things differently. Then again there's this part of me that knows I'm only feeling this way in retrospect, back then things seemed clear to me, back then those choices seemed the best. But I was wrong.

It's not that I purposely think about them. I can tell you that I try my best not to. I play the guitar, I play with my dog, I hang out with my friends, and I don't think about them. But whenever there's moments of silence, things rush back again. It just does. I see something and a memory triggers. And my heart will go back to that same old sinking feeling it always has been in. 

My heart has not been light for as long as I can remember. It's always filled with dread, like something bad is going to happen. It's heavy, every single day. Not all the time, but at least once a day it's heavy. And whenever that happens I just tell myself not to think of it cos it just feels awful and I don't want to. 

Is this normal?

I seek others out, I do things to distract myself but it always comes back. How then? 

Just so confused... Just feel so ridiculous. If everyone can be happy why can't I? 

Sometimes I'm just so tired of living. Falling asleep is hard cos your heart is so heavy. And waking up at ungodly hours because of the frequent nightmares. Once again today I forced myself to wake up cos I was having an awful dream again. It was 6 in the morning.

I often think I'm better now. But am I? 

Times like these I feel I need help. Other times I feel I need to help myself. 

All the time I think I'm just exaggerating things. 

But God sometimes it hurts so bad...