At least for me. Somehow you manage to spot that one person among all the other photos you scrolled through and all the faces you've barely even looked at. That person you loved, love(?).
And you decide to look back at old photos, there's no harm right? Wrong. You look at yourself smiling so naturally and effortlessly, heck you don't even remember smiling for that photo. You just were. It wasn't the "pose for a photo" smile, but "I'm happy" smile. Which rarely happens to you nowadays. You notice your arms around him like it belonged there, and his arms around your shoulders like it was meant to rest there forever. And you've never felt more wanted when he was holding you like that. You notice how pretty you look, and how beautiful your smile was.
So much so that it's disgusting. It disgusts you because you know you don't feel that way about yourself anymore. You don't feel beautiful, you don't feel pretty, you sure as hell don't feel loved. You don't feel wanted, you don't feel validated, you don't feel anything but a longing to be who that girl in the picture was. You wonder if you'll ever be in love again, if you need to be in love again to be that happy again. But again you wonder, how could I possibly feel how I've felt back then?
It just felt so surreal. How easy it was for you to smile. How you wake up with something to look forward to everyday. How you wanted time to pass faster cos you can't wait what the future may bring you. How simple things make you laugh. How light your heart was.
I refuse to believe love is the only reason I can be that level of happy again, but I cannot deny it was love that made me as happy as I was. Heartbreak changes you, and sadly I cannot see things the same way as before. It's hard to believe in love, in happiness, in finding meaning to things again.
Nothing feels real to me anymore. Just looking for someone/things to fill up this empty void. How long it lasts depends on how long I can force myself to pretend and ultimately believe that it matters. But some things do matter in the end with time, after all everything grows with time. But it was different.
Maybe I should accept things are different, and things will always be different.
You once asked me if I believed in soulmates, I can tell you now that I don't, because if I did then I would tell you that I have lost my soulmate and that I wasn't yours.
I no longer feel sad, really. It's hard to feel sad for a long long period of time. Is sad even the right word? What word can I use to describe this ache in my heart? It isn't sadness because I don't cry anymore. It isn't frustration cos I have already given up and accepted everything. It isn't numbness cos it still hurts.
Probably the weakest thing I can say right now is, if I had the chance to go back to you, I would do it without a second thought.
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