Rambling

Disclaimer: I really have no idea what I'm about to pen down right now and it's just a jumble of thoughts all in one blog post... just wanna throw everything out there.

I don't know if I'm normal or not, but oftentimes I tend to look back and miss some people I probably shouldn't be missing... and I'm not gonna lie, the urge to text them is strong, not because I want them back the way we used to be but just to ask how are they doing, how their life is. Just to know they're doing well and I would feel so much better somehow. Then comes in the waves of doubts that they don't want be in their life anymore, that I would appear annoying or crazy or they would be freaked out by why I'm suddenly contacting them again when we haven't for so long

Sometimes I still can't wrap my head around how people can be so close at one point in their lives and then strangers the next. People who let go completely, I kinda envy them cos I think it's something I will always struggle with. As in, I'm able to let go, but maybe not completely... there's always that something left that I can't put a finger on, and it troubles me from time to time, I would often wonder what that is. It's like we had closure, but not really either. Is there even such a thing as closure? How can you completely close something that impacted your life so deeply? They meant something, and they always will, and even if y'all don't talk anymore you know you'll always have their backs if they need you to be. At least that's for me. Am I weird?

Had a heartfelt conversation with a friend the other day and it brought me almost to tears, cos whatever she was feeling was exactly how I felt last time about a relationship (hey maybe I'm not as crazy as I thought). It made me realise how feelings can be completely irrational, yet despite knowing that they are you still feel them anyway, and more often than not we let our feelings rule our actions and not our heads. And there's really no right or wrong whether to make decisions based on feelings or on what you think. We are humans after all, we all make mistakes.

Once you loved someone and had your heart broken, your whole aspect on love changes. I know mine did. I still question what love is at times, if I'll ever get back to feeling the way I did, but I know now that that's not gonna happen because I've changed and my idea of love changed as well. It's still honestly a blur of emotions and thoughts, and I can't quite place everything in words yet, but when I do I'll definitely write it down here. For now I'll continue to place my thoughts slowly.