In light of all the drama online recently there was something that struck a cord in me. It's something that most people find it hard to talk about and hopefully, something that most people never get to experience in their lifetime. Although I became a better person out of it it was honestly one of the most difficult periods of my life and it was dark as hell then. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I couldn't see myself recovering from it, and that was probably when all the doubts, negativity and self-hate came in which escalated to a point where I just wanted to die. Then they come and go, sometimes more often than others, but it still hurts.
Everyone simply assumes that if one is in a abusive relationship, be it being mentally or physically, the most obvious thing would be to walk away. When you feel like you're not being loved for who you are, where you feel you have to change or being manipulated to change some aspect of yourself, or when you're not happy because you get shit from your partner from time to time, just walk away.
The thing is, it's not easy to walk away. Sometimes I question myself if it was really something that hard to do. And I realise in retrospect, everything is easier, simply because you're already out of the situation and you can take a reflective stance on it. It's easy to turn back time in your head and when you do that you can actually see all the other steps you could've taken, how easy the steps seem to be now which would have saved you from so much unnecessary pain and heartbreak. But you can't do that when you're in that situation, you can't see things clearly, you just don't know how things were going to play themselves out. And there's always the fear of leaving, even if it's a healthy relationship.
It's been a long time since then so why am I talking about now? Recently I got slammed with things that I didn't quite agree with on askfm by this anon who proclaims he knew what happened, how it takes two hands to clap, how both of us were playing the victim. It scares the hell out of me, how even after 6 long years later, this issue is being revisited by someone that I don't even know. How even after such a long time people can still bring this up and how pathetic that it still affects me. I think every human being has this innate nature of justifying themselves regardless of whether they're right or wrong, because everyone wants to feel better. That's why cheaters justify their cheating by saying they didn't feel loved by their partner enough, that's why people who cheat in a test justify that by saying they need an A or bad things will follow. It doesn't make a wrong thing right, but it justifies it, and they can feel better about it even though they admit it was wrong.
I don't think I was ever playing a victim, all I ever did was to tell the truth and nothing but the truth. Maybe, from his standpoint, it wasn't the truth but actions are actions and intentions are another thing altogether. So maybe my actions to him were unforgivable because of the intentions he associated them with. I honestly don't know, I honestly don't really care now, but it was the truth and it has always been so.
I was young, I was stupid, I was foolish, and that's the truth. I will not discuss exactly what happened, it has long been over and those who have been there or matter know what happened. In short, I was in a relationship that took me forever to walk away, and I only did so because I didn't care the consequences that followed because I thought nothing could be worse than what I was already going through at that point.
It wasn't easy to walk away because of a few reasons. 1. The fear. I was honestly scared of doing anything because I was afraid of the consequences that were going to follow, but I knew they were going to be ugly and I wanted to avoid that whole drama. I kept thinking that maybe I should stay to avoid all that ugliness, which leads me to reason 2. thinking that things will be different if I stayed. The thing is, when you've been with someone for a while you will definitely see the possibility of things becoming different, or things going back to the way it once used to, because it once was perfect and you once were happy. And there is nothing wrong with thinking that things can be fixed despite whatever circumstances you are in now, perhaps it's wishful thinking to others and even you, but it's also a legit way (to you) to solving things. Most people regard this as stupidity, and yes it is, but sometimes you do stupid things when you're in a relationship like believing in things like that. 3. The action of walking away itself. Would walking away make everything better? At that point I really couldn't see the point of anything. What was the point when things were already the worst you can ever possibly imagine?
I don't know what was the trigger that led me to walk away, but I just did. And sure enough, it snowballed me into this huge mess that I never saw coming even though I thought I did. But despite that mess I'm glad I did because if I didn't, things would still be the same, things will never change. So although it is a very difficult thing to do, please walk away if you're ever in an abusive relationship. Trust me, things will not get better unless you walk away. You can trick, deceive, lie yourself into thinking it will but it just doesn't. Leave, learn to love yourself again and grow from the experience. If you're lucky, it wouldn't blow up into a huge mess. Even if you're unlucky and things get really ugly, know it will pass and once everything is over you can finally breathe again. It's not easy but one day you will wake up and see the light of everything, and when that day comes you will realise it was probably one of the best decisions you have ever made.
To everyone who do not know what it's like, please do not assume it is as easy as it seems. Everyone has their own story to tell and sometimes the contents don't agree with one another, and I really don't know how that is possible but just take everything with a pinch of salt. Don't judge too quickly by what you hear from others. Even now I still hear things about me that make my heart ache because people just don't know what goes on beyond that story. Everyone has their own struggles, everyone has made mistakes, but know that everyone grows.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” - Haruki Murakami
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