Met a bunch of old friends the other day and we were reminiscing our old days in sec sch, and they mentioned how much we changed and how I changed from like the guai-est to the baddest. I don't think I was rlly a nerd back then tbh, like I always followed orders, had curfew way earlier than most (if not all) of them and had knee length skirt but yea I didn't study like crap or anything but you get the point. But after all the years that passed since sec sch I obviously changed, I think everyone did and I don't think it's that bad of a thing.

Sometimes I think back and really miss the old me cos I think I was happier then, but not really. With every age comes a diff set of problems, back then I was really sad a lot cos I couldn't go supper or overseas with them or stay over at a friend's house even. It was only in Uni that I pushed for autonomy which rlly got me into a bad place w my parents esp my mom.

Uni was the breaking point for me cos I broke up w S. The break up really screwed me over and I think I went nuts or something HAHA. I was the epitome of everything I currently hate about y1s, overly enthu, thinking friendships from camps would be real and everlasting, FOMO... I didn't even study till like a few days before my exams and I clubbed like at least once every week. I really was drinking in order to numb the pain.

Had a few dates here and there, I really hated loneliness. I think I tried to make it work but I just wasn't ready to love again. I was so scared of experiencing the pain all over again that I didn't dare allow myself to love. Because of that I really let a few people down, and I'm sorry. I just didn't want to be hurt again. Thinking about it I was in a really bad place. Not a night went by where my thoughts didn't keep me awake. Some nights I'd fall asleep crying. All the times I got drunk and cried/screamed. All the nightmares.

But with time I got better. Friends who didn't push me away. I think through this whole experience which I hope is past me is that people who really care for you will never leave. I believe people have a right to choose their friends, so thank you, for choosing to stay by my side despite being a wreck and being an inconvenience and a pure pain at times.

3 years later and I'm in y4, and I'm with someone whom I have pushed away before because I was adamant about not falling in love. Even now, I'm still scared of getting my heart broken, and honestly I don't think I can go through that whole bullshit again I'll probably just lose my mind LOL. But he's shown me time and time again that he would always be there, and I really don't want to lose that just because I'm afraid things wouldn't work out, because what if it does? (So please don't break my heart hahaha)

Honestly I don't know if I'm happy with myself now or who I turned out to be, but I hope one day in the future I'll be at a place where I'm really happy with my life and can look back and laugh at whatever I was worrying/sad about.