Removed my blog link from all of my social media cos I decided it was time to blog more on more mundane stuff. Life has been tiring lately, the readings are insane :-( and I'm just so lazy as usual

Not to mention Martyn's in NTU zz so fucking far. Once I took the public transport from his hall to NUS and it took me like an hour wtf sia cos the bus to pioneer makes a whole round around NTU then train from pioneer to clementi then bus again to NUS HAHA KILL ME LA

And I don't have a hall so he can't come to NUS to find me haha such is life

Anyway I'm pmsing so I'm just gonna rant a bit -

Until today I am still afraid of being in love. Honestly, I cannot imagine a future where I'm happy with my lover, or more like I don't want to imagine because I'm so afraid it wouldn't happen. I don't know why it's so hard to love myself, but it's really a struggle for me on most days, to be confident and feel pretty and love me for me. There are so many things in the past that I wish I can redo, regrets that I've made that make me feel really disgusted with myself. I don't see what's so special about me that will make someone love me and not get bored of me one day. I'm so scared of failure that I don't even want to try just because of the fear of failing.

I broke up with Martyn while I was in China because I felt I wasn't loving him the right way. Being defensive is really not an option when in a r/s. I saw so many problems and obstacles and I just couldn't see the solutions, or maybe I didn't want to.

Honestly after that I thought I wouldn't be upset, but I was because I knew I failed, again. I knew love isn't all about feelings, it's about commitment and choosing to love someone. I just didn't have the faith it would work out alright.

I came back and although he never explicitly said it, I knew he would always be there for me. One day I was really sad and he cabbed down, and we just sat and talked and held hands. I was so sick of pretending I was okay. So sick of not having a reason for my sadness but being sad anyway. I hated feeling weak and it amplified my frustration towards myself. I was really so so angry for having so many emotions, when I don't have a legitimate reason for it.

And at that moment I knew he really would always be there for me. I mean, I already knew, but it was like an epiphany like, yeah, I know.

No one has accepted me the way you do. All the times I didn't have a reason for my sadness/anger, all the times I just wanted to be alone. You never got tired nor frustrated with me, which I don't understand how it's possible. Episode after episode and you're still here.

I can't promise you I'll never have days where I'll push you away, but I promise you that I'll try and remember whatever you did for me. Thank you for not giving up on me, on us. Thank you for making my days a lot brighter.