2020

It’s another new year! I’ve lived for a quarter of a decade and honestly it’s quite scary thinking about it. It’s so long and yet in retrospect I feel like I haven’t done anything in my life (quite) yet, I’m still not where I want to be, but hey it’s okay, right?

I guess I still have a long way to go. Some days I still feel like shit about myself. It’s funny, because I don’t really know how to describe it. Especially after I broke my back (which I really haven’t talked about because I just felt defeated at that point), I stopped playing volleyball and also school ended and I was just in a state of inertia and gained quite a bit of weight. I don’t even wear sleeveless anymore HA

Less on appearance wise there’s still a lot of things I have to deal with regarding my mental health. I get bad days where I just can’t sleep at night because my brain just has to think about everything there is to think about and the questions and memories just keep running and running. Worst is every time it runs a bad memory I just get more alert and I’m in some weird state where I’m sleeping but I know I’m sleeping so it’s like half sleeping - which leads to sleep paralysis (which I think is the cause but hey I may be wrong).

I can’t even begin to explain what sleep paralysis feels like. It’s honestly one of the worst experiences ever. I know the first time I experienced it was a few years back but it’s happening more frequently. It’s like you’re awake and you can see everything around you but you just can’t move your fucking body. It’s like your body’s just a deadweight in water. It feels even worse when you try to move because that’s when you feel some static or dark energy pulling your body to the bed and you just can’t fight against it. The more you try the more gravity you feel. It’s bizarre.

And I haven’t even mentioned the monsters/ghosts or whatever. Like because of all the shit you experience as mentioned above you start getting hallucinations that there’s something pinning you down, and for me it always translates to some dark figure in the corner of my room which I can’t even turn my head to look. And when I finally muster all my strength to turn it’s always there in my face and then I just WAKE UP

in cold sweat. And my heart is racing and I just feel like dying.
And then your heart is heavy for the next few hours or so.

It’s honestly quite an experience if you’ve never experienced before. You feel like you just woke up after taking drugs. The first few times it happened I was legit so scared I went to look for my mom (lol) and she said I had problems.

But now after a few times of it happening I’m less freaked out and more in control but it’s still a bad feeling. It really sucks when it happens and I keep telling myself it’s stupid for letting myself feel all this negativity but my brain just loves to go to dark places sometimes.
Of course I know there’s a lot of things I can probably try to do like going into therapy or talking to somebody or trying meditation or picking up a healthy hobby like yoga or turning into religion but - I’m not there yet (or maybe just lazy I have to admit). I know there’s so many things I can do to be better and yet...

:-(

Even without sleep paralysis some days my heart is just so heavy without any legitimate reason. I mean it’s not a reason if it’s simply in my head right? Hahahahaha

But I am so happy too. I should be. I have a roof over my head, I’m never hungry or thirsty, my parents love me and I have people I can count on when I’m in deep shit and I have Corey.

So why does happiness still feels so far away? I really am trying to align my expectations of happiness.

All in all I hope 2020 will be a year of growth because I am, so tired of being stuck in my own head too often. And the saddest thing is that I know it is all just me.