Tonight will be the last night I cry about you.

I’m angry - at myself for not treating you right before. I had you and I just didn’t realise how lucky I was - as usual. What does it take for me to start treasuring what I have until I lose it?

I’m angry - at your mom who forbid you to go to Japan because of the stupid virus. I really thought it would help us and I was so ready to try again, to start again, and it turns out you really chose not to go. Why? I just can’t make sense of it. I hated everyday when you were not there. And because of this trip it gave you time to distance yourself from me and I am still shocked at how fast you seemed to be able to let go.

I’m upset - because to me it seemed like you were able to let go so fast and so easily too, but as you mentioned you’ve thought about us for a long time and you’ve been trying to let go ever since. Why was I so selfish - to not have thought about your needs? How long did you hurt for?

I’m upset - for being upset. I really hate feeling things. And everytime I decide to feel it’s when it’s too late. Because that’s the only time I really feel the walls around me collapsing.

I really want to punch a wall. I really want to cry. I really want to talk to someone. I really want someone to tell me I’ll be okay because it feels like it’s not again.