But somehow your eye will catch that picture and before you know it your heart stops as the picture enlarges and you see someone you don't want to see doing something you don't want to see and your heart does that funny thing where it aches, but it's not the new kind of ache, it's the very very dull kind that you're too familiar with. The dull ache that is there everyday and doesn't completely disappear no matter how hard you tried, the dull ache that you thought was gone but is actually still there.
Then there's the desire to call or text. To ask how he's doing. To tell him how that picture is killing you. To tell him that you actually really miss him
but then you remember, he doesn't need you around anymore. He doesn't want you around anymore. And that is probably not enough for you to give up that thought, but what else can you do? Nothing. You can't do anything. Because it's not your call on his part.
-
I got really drunk again. And I'm really sorry again to those who had to take care of me. As usual I screamed and shouted and got violent and cried. And apparently I cried throughout my sleep but I don't even remember it.
I thought I was getting better, but apparently not. I wasn't even sad that day, I wasn't in an "I'm drinking cos I'm so sad" mood. I felt perfectly fine, excited even, but when I got drunk I guess my inner thoughts and feelings came out again. And I'm still the same as I was last time: weak
I have been doing things differently and I make an effort to, but if that's so why am I still feeling the same inside? Is it a matter of time?
I really wish I had an answer.
This is why I ended things. How can I possibly love you when I don't even love myself? It's not that I didn't, I just can't.
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