To you,

I think I've never explained properly how I felt about you, how I feel about our relationship, how I feel right now, and that's perhaps cos I've not let myself feel anything close to love for that matter. As you know, after my breakup, it was hard, so hard, and I just didn't want to let myself get into that trap of falling in love again.

But you happened.

You were always there. Giving so much even though I couldn't do the same for you. You opened up to me when I couldn't do the same. You've never said you loved me, but I felt it (I think hahahaha). 

Today, a friend of yours recognised me and asked "You're ____'s... friend right" and in my mind I wished I could dig a hole. I didn't know what to say. He bombed again with "Do you know that he's in arts pageant?" and my heart sank (although I expected it and I told you before hahaha). It was painful to hear that, painful to imagine. 

You asked me if I missed you or just your company. After almost 2 months of not seeing or talking to you, I can confirm that I miss you. Once again, I did not realise what I had till it was gone. Once again, I let my fear and insecurity get the better of me, and once again I lost you. 

It hurts really bad. I'm not gonna lie. I dream of you and wake up with my heart aching and wish I treated you better. I really just want to talk to you.

I don't really know what to say anymore. If it's anything I've learnt, it's acceptance, but I really miss you. 

I think you have the idea that I don't care at all, that I never felt anything for you. But you're wrong. I was just too afraid to admit it, to myself especially. I hope you know that, at least. And that I am sorry.