We had a leadership development course last Monday-Wednesday, and nothing could prepare me for what was coming. The anger, humiliation, annoyance, and frustration that I felt on the first day was overwhelming. I wanted to just walk out so badly, to just give everything up, because I couldn't stand what our instructor was doing, I didn't understand what he was trying to inculcate in us.
I'm not allowed to disclose what happened, but let's just say it wasn't pretty. But during the second day, I detested it less, and on the last day, I was completely fine with it. When it came to sharing what we learnt during the course, many broke down in tears. Many choked on words, trying their best to hold it in. One of my friends said something that resonated deeply within me, which was "Before I reach 30, I will bring my parents home... Which means I'll make them retire."
I've learnt a lot of things during that course, and one of it is that my parents are not getting any younger. They've spent so much time raising me, taking care of me... And I've hurt them more than an average daughter should've. And I realised I've not been thinking of them when I think about my future. Sure, I'm definitely not going to throw them in an old folks home, but I didn't think beyond that. I didn't think of earning enough so they can retire early. I didn't think of earning enough so my dad doesn't have to fix aircons with his bare hands during the day and calculate bills at night. I didn't think of earning enough so my mom could stop ruining her eyes by staring at the computer for too long. I didn't think of that until my friend uttered that very sentence, and I was ashamed. And I realised how much of a fool I was to think that I had all the time in the world to slowly think about what I want to do with my life when I actually don't.
Among all these thoughts, I thought of you, again. And I'm sorry for not understanding these thoughts when you had them 2 years ago. I was naive, young, a fool who thought she had all the time to figure things out, who thought she would eventually figure things out. "Why rush?" was all I could ask. "Why are you doing so much?" was just me trying to make myself feel better cos I didn't know what I wanted to do. Now that everything is clearer, now that I understand your thoughts, all the more I am ashamed for not understanding you then.
"Everyone gets there" is what a dear friend told me today. It took me 2 years to get to this stage where I've finally realised, and I paid the price of losing you because it took me too long. But... It's okay. I won't waste anymore time, I won't let my parents down again.
You are an amazing guy, to have thought of all these when you were only 19. I have always thought that you were thinking too far ahead, that you were too ambitious, but now I know I was the one who was foolish. But even then I knew you were meant for greater things, and now I can say with even more confidence that you are meant for greater things.
To all... Treasure your family, treasure your time. Really, think about what you can do for your family, cos that's all you've really got in the end.
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