I think about you sometimes - I wonder how are you? I hope you’re okay, and doing well.

I don’t really think of the past as much as I used to anymore, which is honestly quite liberating. I was always stuck and now I’m not? Maybe you gave me that push back into reality that if I don’t hold onto things now I’m gonna lose the people and things that matter most to me. I don’t know. All I know is I was in a bad place, then I became a wreck, and I think I’m in a better place now. It feels kinda fast to be honest, but if you consider the number of years I was stuck then maybe not? It felt like a trigger of events. I don’t know why I’m so susceptible to change.

Spending almost everyday with 2 of the funniest people I know may be a reason for me becoming better so quickly. Thank you Hana and Estella, for filling my days with so much nonsense. Even though work is a bore and dread sometimes, y’all always make me laugh over absolutely nothing. I really can’t imagine not working with y’all. :’)

As for the guy I met, I guess we’re okay? I kinda have something to look forward to at the end of every week so that’s good. But I’m starting to get a feeling that he’s as fenced up as I am, and that’s an issue because I usually don’t let my walls down unless the other party does it first. We shall see.

I’m still taking the antidepressants. I think I can do without it but hey it’s supposed to make me feel calmer so why not?

My heart is kinda uneasy now. Maybe I was disappointed - ok, I was disappointed - I don’t want to feel this way. Not so soon anyway.

comethru

It’s day 28 since I first started taking the antidepressants. He said it was supposed to make me calmer.

I guess I do? It could always be placebo but even placebo helps right? Hahaha

Today felt kinda low... because I started having expectations which I told myself not to. I still feel ugly and fat, it’s much better than before but I still don’t feel pretty or lovable. It’s hard to be yourself around someone when you’re so fucking self conscious all the time...

Can you come through?

I kind of don’t expect anyone to stay for me anymore, and hence today felt kinda sad. I always wonder if it was gonna be the last time we would see each other, or if you’d just disappear on me someday. Shit is this a newfound insecurity arising from a trauma??? Hahaha

I guess it’s really too early to tell... but I’m q sick and tired of all the uncertainty and variables in my life.

But I’m stronger than a month before. And I will continue getting stronger.

Anyway this song really helps me feel hopeful when I’m feeling bad. It reminds me of a happy kind of sad.

I might lose my mind
Waking when the sun's down
Riding all these highs
Waiting for the comedown
Walk these streets with me
I'm doing decently
Just glad that I can breathe, yeah

I'm trying to realize
It's alright to not be fine on your own

Now I'm shaking, drinking all this coffee
These last few weeks have been exhausting
I'm lost in my imagination
And there's one thing that I need from you
Can you come through, through
Through, yeah
And there's one thing that I need from you
Can you come through?

Ain't got much to do
Too old for my hometown
Went to bed at noon
Couldn't put my phone down
Scrolling patiently
It's all the same to me
Just faces on a screen, yeah

I'm trying to realize
It's alright to not be fine on your own

Now I'm shaking, drinking all this coffee
These last few weeks have been exhausting
I'm lost in my imagination
And there's one thing that I need from you
Can you come through, through
Through, yeah
And there's one thing that I need from you
Can you come through, through
Through, yeah
And there's one thing that I need from you
Can you come through? 

It’s been 2 weeks since I last checked in here; 2 weeks ago I wouldn’t have thought I would be feeling completely different.

I have stopped taking the sleeping pills - although my sleep is still quite erratic, I would wake up after a few hours and fall back asleep again, but hey it’s better than nothing? I sleep easier now.
I’m still taking the antidepressants - I don’t know if it’s doing anything but it makes me calmer (I feel?) and it’s probably the reason why I sleep easier now.

It’s funny, how it takes losing someone to see the things that he was always trying to get you to see. Thank you for your words, it took a long time but I’m finally seeing it now, and trying to view the world in a positive light and trying to be better every day.
I’m practising more self care now: running, boxing, listening to music and really listening to what it’s trying to convey. Removing myself from social media and comparing myself to others. Removing friends who just didn’t care about me.
I’m still trying to practise gratitude - which takes a lot of effort, but when my mind is quiet I’ll happily sing and dance and I’ll be like “Hey, I’m dancing! I’m happy.” and I think that’s a start.

And this is going to sound so crazy... but I met someone.

It’s to early to tell where this would go - maybe tomorrow we won’t be talking anymore. Of course there’s this whole issue of me trying to love myself first before getting into a relationship again... but if I have learnt anything it’s that faith goes a long way.

Who knows? Maybe I’ll check in here again in 2 weeks :-)

Falling

I'm in my bed
And you're not here
And there's no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands
Forget what I said
It's not what I meant
And I can't take it back
I can't unpack the baggage you left

What am I now?
What am I now?
What if I'm someone I don't want around?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'

What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'

You said you cared
And you missed me, too
And I'm well aware I write too many songs about you
And the coffee's out
At the Beachwood Café
And it kills me 'cause I know we've run out of things we can say

What am I now?
What am I now?
What if I'm someone I don't want around?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'

What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'

And I get the feelin' that you'll never need me again

What am I now?
What am I now?
What if you're someone I just want around?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'

What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'

It’s so hard to talk about mental health.

It begins when you first think about it. Do I really need help? Maybe it’s just a phase. Maybe I’ll wake up and feel better tomorrow. I’m just overreacting. I’ll feel stupid about even thinking about this tomorrow.

Then every day passes and it doesn’t get better. Your heart physically hurts and you’re just on the verge of crying everywhere you go. You either can’t eat or you eat a lot. You can’t sleep. You get panic attacks and you can’t breathe. You can’t face your loved ones without feeling like you’re gonna break down. 

You just can’t get out. Everything is relative, it was so painful, even though you knew deep down it shouldn’t be, that you had no right to be hurting when there are others out there who are experiencing worse.

But it’s just so dark. So fucking damn dark.

So you pick up the phone and you make that call, hoping it would help.

Your appointment date is here. You’re having second thoughts. You just want to head back home. 

Then you remember how bad it was again.

You enter the room. It was awkward. He asks why are you here. You cry. 

He teaches you breathing exercises because of the panic attacks. He makes you lie down to practise. The more you do it the harder it is to breathe. He says sorry. 

He gives you antidepressants and sleeping pills. You’re hesitant. What if you become dependent? What if you change? But he says it will help. You decide to trust him.

It’s day 7 today, halfway through. And how do I feel?

I guess better.

I don’t feel like dying anymore. Maybe it’s time too. Who knows?

Maybe I’ll check back in on my second appointment.

It’s so hard to talk about mental health because it’s so hard to admit that you need help.
I never understood why I always pushed people away. Why I always try to be strong when I’m not.
I always wanted to stand tall on my own. But I can’t when I’m not proud of myself.
And yet it’s so hard to find something I truly want in life, for myself. Why do I feel so lost?

I want to scream.
I want to scream at myself, for all that I did.
I want to say sorry to myself.
I want to say sorry to myself, for allowing myself to hate myself to this point.

My heart is so heavy.
I feel so ugly.
What did you see in me?

It’s so hard to breathe. I’m scared because sometimes I wish I won’t wake up the next day.
I sought help because I was too scared. I am scared.
I wish the pills helped more. But I guess it’s not a miracle pill.

I will make it through someday.

I need to stop feeling ugly inside and outside. It’s such a terrible feeling to have. 

I’m feeling so bad. I want it to stop. 

Before you go

I fell by the wayside like everyone else
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself
Our every moment, I start to replace
'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say

When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water running cold
Well, time can heal, but this won't

So, before you go
Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go

Was never the right time, whenever you called
Went little by little by little until there was nothing at all
Our every moment, I start to replay
But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face

When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water running cold
Well, some can heal, but this won't

So, before you go
Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go

Would we be better off by now
If I'd have let my walls come down?
Maybe, I guess we'll never know
You know, you know

Before you go
Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go

Tonight will be the last night I cry about you.

I’m angry - at myself for not treating you right before. I had you and I just didn’t realise how lucky I was - as usual. What does it take for me to start treasuring what I have until I lose it?

I’m angry - at your mom who forbid you to go to Japan because of the stupid virus. I really thought it would help us and I was so ready to try again, to start again, and it turns out you really chose not to go. Why? I just can’t make sense of it. I hated everyday when you were not there. And because of this trip it gave you time to distance yourself from me and I am still shocked at how fast you seemed to be able to let go.

I’m upset - because to me it seemed like you were able to let go so fast and so easily too, but as you mentioned you’ve thought about us for a long time and you’ve been trying to let go ever since. Why was I so selfish - to not have thought about your needs? How long did you hurt for?

I’m upset - for being upset. I really hate feeling things. And everytime I decide to feel it’s when it’s too late. Because that’s the only time I really feel the walls around me collapsing.

I really want to punch a wall. I really want to cry. I really want to talk to someone. I really want someone to tell me I’ll be okay because it feels like it’s not again.

2020

It’s another new year! I’ve lived for a quarter of a decade and honestly it’s quite scary thinking about it. It’s so long and yet in retrospect I feel like I haven’t done anything in my life (quite) yet, I’m still not where I want to be, but hey it’s okay, right?

I guess I still have a long way to go. Some days I still feel like shit about myself. It’s funny, because I don’t really know how to describe it. Especially after I broke my back (which I really haven’t talked about because I just felt defeated at that point), I stopped playing volleyball and also school ended and I was just in a state of inertia and gained quite a bit of weight. I don’t even wear sleeveless anymore HA

Less on appearance wise there’s still a lot of things I have to deal with regarding my mental health. I get bad days where I just can’t sleep at night because my brain just has to think about everything there is to think about and the questions and memories just keep running and running. Worst is every time it runs a bad memory I just get more alert and I’m in some weird state where I’m sleeping but I know I’m sleeping so it’s like half sleeping - which leads to sleep paralysis (which I think is the cause but hey I may be wrong).

I can’t even begin to explain what sleep paralysis feels like. It’s honestly one of the worst experiences ever. I know the first time I experienced it was a few years back but it’s happening more frequently. It’s like you’re awake and you can see everything around you but you just can’t move your fucking body. It’s like your body’s just a deadweight in water. It feels even worse when you try to move because that’s when you feel some static or dark energy pulling your body to the bed and you just can’t fight against it. The more you try the more gravity you feel. It’s bizarre.

And I haven’t even mentioned the monsters/ghosts or whatever. Like because of all the shit you experience as mentioned above you start getting hallucinations that there’s something pinning you down, and for me it always translates to some dark figure in the corner of my room which I can’t even turn my head to look. And when I finally muster all my strength to turn it’s always there in my face and then I just WAKE UP

in cold sweat. And my heart is racing and I just feel like dying.
And then your heart is heavy for the next few hours or so.

It’s honestly quite an experience if you’ve never experienced before. You feel like you just woke up after taking drugs. The first few times it happened I was legit so scared I went to look for my mom (lol) and she said I had problems.

But now after a few times of it happening I’m less freaked out and more in control but it’s still a bad feeling. It really sucks when it happens and I keep telling myself it’s stupid for letting myself feel all this negativity but my brain just loves to go to dark places sometimes.
Of course I know there’s a lot of things I can probably try to do like going into therapy or talking to somebody or trying meditation or picking up a healthy hobby like yoga or turning into religion but - I’m not there yet (or maybe just lazy I have to admit). I know there’s so many things I can do to be better and yet...

:-(

Even without sleep paralysis some days my heart is just so heavy without any legitimate reason. I mean it’s not a reason if it’s simply in my head right? Hahahahaha

But I am so happy too. I should be. I have a roof over my head, I’m never hungry or thirsty, my parents love me and I have people I can count on when I’m in deep shit and I have Corey.

So why does happiness still feels so far away? I really am trying to align my expectations of happiness.

All in all I hope 2020 will be a year of growth because I am, so tired of being stuck in my own head too often. And the saddest thing is that I know it is all just me.