To love

Writing this now feels surreal, because I never thought I would be able to feel this way just 6 months ago.

I usually only write when I feel like I need to get something off my chest, and this is one of those moments when I feel like I need to. At this moment, I want to write about love.

Love is perhaps something that I’ve always been struggling to find, as lame as it sounds. I’ve always struggled to be alone, and honestly maybe it is a bigger issue than I would like to admit, after all we have grown accustomed with the idea that one should be independent, and be full of self love and just be okay with being alone.

But I just couldn’t. I had to have someone by my side. I did try to be alone, but I just hated the idea of it. Plain and simple: I hated the idea of not having my life revolving around someone, and vice versa is true as well, someone’s life revolving around me. Someone I could always depend on and talk to whenever I needed. And I could only find that in a partner.

Getting used to that idea was harder than I would like to admit. I felt fucking lame and pathetic, even now I do still feel that way sometimes. Like why do I need a guy around me to not fall apart at the seams?? 

So began the cycle of... just finding someone. Anyone really. Then I got my heart broken and all my ideas of romance and love just went out the window. After that I couldn’t imagine being with someone who would make me feel close to the same way again. True enough, be it really a self fulfilling prophecy or whatever, I could never see a future with everyone I was with after that. Maybe I was in love at some points with them, maybe I was really grateful for the friendship and love given to me, but never was I really able to  see a future together. Staying together, growing old together, getting a BTO flat, getting kids... I just couldn’t see the possibility and thus I just never went there. 

I just wasn’t in love.

It’s really sad, and I’m such a fucking bitch really. I made use of them to ease my loneliness, to just have companionship and to feed on my ego. I have to say, for some I really did try though, to see a future together, to love them back the way they did me. But it just led to more complications and honestly it was just fucking messy.

And then I met Kelvin.

As cliche as it sounds, the stars really aligned. After my latest break up I “woke up” and a lot of things just clicked for me. I wasn’t upset about how I needed someone. I wasn’t sad over my first love anymore. I wasn’t hung up about the past, or how I was supposed to be.

I really never did think that Kelvin would be any different from all the guys that I couldn’t see a future with. I was attracted to him when we first met, and I can’t tell you exactly when I fell in love with him, or when I felt he was the one. It just happened. And now as I’m writing to you, I have faith, something I never did have before. I have faith that we will live the rest of our lives together.

Maybe a few months or years down the road I will laugh as I read back on this but as of now, I have faith. Why am I such a pessimistic!!!!! 

But I’m really so grateful, to be able to feel all these things that I thought I had lost capacity for. To look forward to everyday and our future together. To be really, truly happy being with someone and loving every second together. And I hope I will never stop feeling this way about you.

 Maybe at the end of the day, it doesn’t go away completely.

I really wish I could tell you that it goes away. But two nights ago I had a revelation that maybe it doesn’t. You will definitely get better with time and a good support system, but I guess it haunts you in ways you would least expect it. 

I thought I was done with the panic attacks, but I had an episode on Sunday night. It came randomly and honestly there was no psychological trigger, I wasn’t thinking of anything really but sleep, and it just came. Thinking back it was probably physiologically triggered, I was feeling quite hot and it was a bit cramped, and it just came.

I couldn’t really identify what was happening, but I suddenly broke out in cold sweat and I felt breathless and my heart really hurt. I wondered if I was feeling insecure and maybe I did partially. Got up and drank some water and walked around, I even did the diaphragm breathing shit that my psychiatrist taught me but it wouldn’t stop. Went to find a pillow hoping it would provide me some comfort but it didn’t work. 

Suddenly had the urge to puke and I just vomited everything out. Felt better after but I woke K from the noise and I felt bad he had to see me in that state. 

I’m just glad I don’t get such episodes often. I’m so much better than before and I’m thankful for that, but the realisation that it will still find me sometimes still hits badly.

It’s okay to not be okay.

Wa, I really feel like a fucking loser right now hahah. I’ve been sitting here in front of my dinner which my mom cooked for over 2 hours, and I just can’t seem to eat. My heart hurts my whole body hurts and I dread going work tomorrow and I just can’t stop wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.

Jesus, the self hate is real? Like fuck man yeah I guess I’m damn sensitive and I should really chill the fuck out and not everything is about me but damn I’m trying so hard to feel better, I’m trying to distract myself I’m trying all the deep breathing shit my doctor is telling me but omg it is so fucking hard to breathe. What is this?????????????? I wanna reach out for help but it seems like no one can help me. I really really fucking want this to stop, what am I doing wrong, I’m already taking my medications so why does it all still feel so raw???

Please just let this fucking stop.........

I guess I was trying to find some familiarity when I felt so lost. I had hoped to find some comfort in your voice, and I did, although it was not as much as before.

I hope that one day I’ll be able to find someone who will accept me for all that I am, and all that I am not, just like you did with me. Perhaps my greatest loss in life was you, for I felt that you really understood my soul, and I was not a great lover, and for someone to see so much more in me was and is simply endearing.

Thank you for giving me hope that I am still lovable the way I am. Until today, I still regret I couldn’t make things work between us, but I really do have a lot of issues I need to face on my own. And you deserve so much more too.

Hey hey hey! I’m not doing that well. And the worst part is I’m embarrassed to even talk to anyone about it because I just feel like a broken record and nobody likes negative friends.

But I’m really not doing that well. Hahaha it just hurts and I really just can’t seem to love myself??? Like I really feel like there’s nothing redeeming about me and I’m just nothing.

I wanna lie down and sleep without dreaming... just to not have all these thoughts yknow? I just want my mind to be silent and for my heart to stop aching.

This feeling again.

The dull ache you try to desperately to ignore. You try to put your mind off it, to simply deny its existence as a whole, to not admit it’s slowly creeping in. You try to do something in the meantime, like read a book, listen to a song, walk around aimlessly, have a smoke. And suddenly you can’t ignore it anymore, you find your body naturally reacting to it, your brain tells you to breathe and you do, in and out. But why is it the more you breathe the darker your vision seems?

In and out.
1, 2, 3.
Repeat.

The scary thing about repetition is it is constant, while it may seem like a good thing because it gives you some sense of control, everything crashes when you break it.

When you break a supposed repetition, panic arises. And it grows when you try to go back into it but fail.

I guess that’s how panic attacks happen. It’s a vicious cycle of gaining and losing control. Until you finally have a long, undisturbed repetition, until you are sure there’s no way you can lose control.

Damn, it’s getting more and more frequent nowadays. I need to get a grip

I finally cried today. It’s been a while.

I never thought I was actually stressed until the moment I start crying. It’s quite funny, how realisation hits you. It never sinks in until it actually does.

I hate my job. I’m not learning anything new and it’s just so boring every single day. Everyone’s able to work from home and I’m going to work. I would love to, but it’s just so pointless and unfulfilling, I legit do nothing and there’s nothing to be done.

Friends can’t work together - I wish I can refute that. I’m trying my best to get out of your way, and I honestly just really want to help. But I guess I should just come to terms that we have different working styles. I just wish it doesn’t affect me as much as it does.

I hate not being able to see my friends - I was never one to keep in touch with people through text or calls, and I miss just hanging out, be it doing something or in silence with people who matter a lot to me.

My mom is a whirlwind of negative energy and emotions, and my sis is still a slob after so many years.

I don’t know if I should pursue Masters - I’m leaning towards counselling but what if I suck at it? My people skills are not that great. And which school? Are they reputable? What if I’m still not able to find a job after? I don’t have enough money - I need to take a loan.

Or should I just spam jobs again? In what? Who will hire me when my qualifications are not that great and my experience is far from what I would have hoped?

When will I catch up with my friends who seem to be successful?

Why can’t I seem to lose weight? Why am I so ugly?

Will I ever be loved unconditionally? Will I ever be enough for someone? Who would want to settle down with me when I have all these thoughts in my head? Do you really care? Or are you just pretending? I wish I could just ask you - but I don’t have the courage to.

- today is just a bad day, and I’ll be fine tomorrow.

I started on my pills again - I really didn’t want to, but I just need the thoughts to stop.

Happy 25th

I turn 25 today! I’ve lived for more than a quarter of my life and it still feels like a long way to go until I can say I’ve truly lived.

It’s kinda sad, but I’m really not at peace with where I am right now. I don’t find my work fulfilling and I guess that’s the main bulk of it all. I don’t know what I want to be, what I want to do in the future, I don’t know what career path I should take - what I like doing strays from what I’m good at, and because of that I’m really scared to take the leap of faith to pursue this path. I’ve been lost since I graduated, I just can’t seem to bring myself to forge a path on my own.

With regards to my mental health, I guess it’s better somewhat. At least I’m working out now and trying to get into a better shape (but it’s not really working HAHAHA). I’m still working on my insecurities and trying not to have too many expectations, from others as well as myself, and to not beat myself up when I don’t meet them.

I really need to stop being so hard on myself??? Today is supposed to be a good day but I’m not really feeling it. But I am so so grateful to those who have stuck by me for so long :-) I promise to be more appreciative.

It really sucks to have expectations because the disappointment that follows hurts more than you think it would.

Maybe I’m thinking too much, as usual, and I’m having my period so it feels worse.
Was it just the chase you liked? Was everything you said just empty words? Do you mean what you say? What am I to you? Are you losing interest?

I’ve always been a pessimist and I’m always preparing myself for the worst. Because of this virus (is it just an excuse?), I guess all I can do is wait and see how things turn out for the both of us. Today, I made up my mind to not have any expectations, which is easier said than done.

Today, I also realised I still don’t love myself, because if I did I shouldn’t be worried if you’d leave or not.

I need to change... I really do.

Yep ok I’m kinda disappointed.